Was I enchanted to meet you? Getting literally out there

How can I stop myself from falling to someone whom I've only seen online? Why am I in my delulu¹ era pseudo-high school crushing over someone in my 30s? Most of all, why am I liking someone whom I haven't met in person? Who does not reciprocate the same feelings towards me?- this is not right, LOL. Is this the effect of being chronically online²?

I have come into terms with myself that after my break up three years (almost four) ago, I won't harbor romantic feelings, be in a committed relationship, and that I would focus on myself moving forward. I guess I'm too gullible as I have not much kept my own promise for the "not having romantic feelings" part. 

Almost half a year after my break-up last time, I connected with someone from my hometown and ended up disappointed. I shouldn't have bought his digital art to be honest or I could've ended our conversation after purchase. However, silly me decided to respond to his messages and found out months later after he ghosted³ me that he had impregnated someone and got married. And he thought I wouldn't know. 

December that same year, someone just love-bombed⁴ me for weeks and left me hanging after bothering my quiet life. He even had the audacity to tell me that his feelings towards me were true but he wasn't fully committed on going to the next level.

I dated a lot afterwards, but as much as I enjoyed meeting new people, I also got tired of sharing the same story all over again like a song on an endless loop. And so, as a way of disintegrating from the dating scene, I turned myself into watching anime, series, doomscrolling⁵ on TikTok⁶, and became inevitably inseparable with my phone. 

However, being on the universe of TikTok and interacting with people online made me gain friends and well, liked someone online, too. It sounds foolish, I know, and I want to stop this time and emotion-wasting rubbish. 

Come to think of it, his physical features (as seen online) fitted exactly to my type. He's adorably tall. He has this golden retriever personality⁷ but also quiet and bashful which I think added to his charm. With eyes that can speak volumes of what his soul may wanted to convey and lips that can make one go dream about pressing your own lips against his. --- OOPS! I went too dreamy this time.

Anyway, I guess I needed to literally get out there so I these feelings would fade. I already started doing it by joining the "No car Sundays at Ayala Avenue"- where tons of people go for a run, jog, walk, and bike along Ayala Avenue⁸. I'm not sure what other activities to do though since my setup is work from home. 

Maybe I should start travelling to other countries again to experience more of the world, meet new folks, and get the hang around immersing with other cultures. 

I could also start enrolling back to dance classes. Yes, I definitely should. Not only that the mentioned activities are enjoyable, healthy to the mind, body, and soul, but also to not get too attached to people online, especially if we speak in a romantic sense. 

I know I can do it but still, I hope you guys can wish me luck on this, too! If you can relate to what I just shared, I wish you all the best, too! And hey, maybe we can jog together at Ayala one of these Sundays!

¹ delulu- modern slang for delusional

² chronically online- Someone who is basically always on the internet and their entire existence revolves around being on the internet. People who are chronically online typically have no real friends in real life, and stay online starting useless debates that literally achieve nothing outside of a screen. (https://www.cnet.com/culture/internet/chronically-online-what-the-phrase-means-and-some-examples/)

³ ghosted- abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/ghosting#:~:text=Ghosting%20is%20abruptly%20ending%20communication,feeling%20indifferent%20to%20deeply%20betrayed.)

⁴ love-bombed-  Love bombing involves showering someone with flattery and attention so that they become deeply attached and want to stay in a relationship regardless of how they are treated. (https://www.nebraskamed.com/health/conditions-and-services/behavioral-health/what-is-love-bombing-and-what-does-it-look-like#:~:text=Love%20bombing%20involves%20showering%20someone,leaving%20them%20vulnerable%20to%20mistreatment.)

⁵ doomscrolling- to spend excessive time online scrolling (see scroll entry 2) through news or other content that makes one feel sad, anxious, angry, etc. (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/doomscroll)

⁶ TikTok- the name of a social media application where people can share short videos they have made, often of themselves doing an activity and including music (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/tiktok)

⁷ golden retriever personality-  as a one who is trusting and kind, unashamed of his feelings, and, while a little naive, full of optimism and positivity that has nowhere to go but out and into the hearts of everyone who surrounds him.(https://www.gq.com/story/golden-retriever-boyfriend-tiktok#:~:text=TikTok%20defines%20a%20%E2%80%9CGolden%20Retriever,of%20everyone%20who%20surrounds%20him.)

⁸ Ayala Avenue- long stretch of road inside the Central Business District in Makati City, Philippines, named after the family, Zobel de Ayala that had contributed to the status of Makati as one of the highly urbanized cities in the Philippines.

Photo by Prateek Katyal: https://www.pexels.com/photo/heart-and-zero-neon-light-signage-2694434/