I'll be home this Christmas: My New Home

Christmas is literally just around the corner, everyone is panic buying gifts- Oh yes, panic is the term as the malls nowadays are crazily packed. Companies are holding holiday and year-end parties everywhere and photos of friends and /or family reunions posted all over social media. 

And here I am, all alone in my humble abode. Pondering what I'll do for the holidays next week as I have decided since Christmas last year that I will not spend my holidays back in Iloilo. 

It's a bittersweet feeling to be honest. 

I am missing my fellow Alto ladies in the choir for Simbang Gabi*, the nine-day series of pre-dawn masses in the Philippines, is a cherished tradition I deeply miss back in my hometown. 

Waking up early in the morning [around 2AM] for the 4:30 AM Mass for 9 days, afterwards, enjoy our sumptuous breakfast provided by some charitable folks in our town, and spend time to catch-up with fellow choir members in the plaza until the sun fully rises. 

These memories are the heart of my Christmas nostalgia, a devotion and passion that linger even now.

However, this year, I'm only singing the Alto harmonies through the online mass within the walls of my apartment. 

And what about celebrating Christmas with my family? 

Strangely, I don’t miss it as much as I miss the choir.

My idea of Christmas isn't about the celebration at home- not that there's anything anyway.

Since my dad retired, everything about Christmas changed. He's become the Grinch of our Christmas.

He does not want to share food with the needy. He loathes inviting our less fortunate relatives and join the festivities with us, revealing his inner matapobre*. 

It infects everyone with the negativity in the household, especially me, who just wants to feel the Christmas spirit. 

Two Christmases ago, I was bawling my eyes out while preparing for the Noche Buena* at home. I bought all the ingredients and even ordered some food but no one helped me to prepare at all. I was panicking already as I have to be at the church early since I have to sing with the choir. 

While doing so, my dad was throwing all the swears he could throw. "Bullshit man na nga Christmas sagay gastos nga lininti-an, f*ck!!" ["This Christmas is bullshit, all the unnecessary spending shit, f*ck!!"]

Overwhelmed with repressed anger, I threw a tantrum, threw all the food I prepared, plates, and cried.

Then, I stormed out of the house and just went to calm myself down outside the church.

All I want is a peaceful Noche Buena. Is that too much to ask for?

As for my mom, well, she started to prioritize her family, as in her mother and siblings- every Christmas. She goes home and spends Christmas there. Leaving us, her children, well, not really just me, as my brothers go with her, too.

I also hated the fact that my dad has just been there in the house, I guess she also wants to be free of the negativity on Christ's day of nativity. 

It was not always like that though. 

Back when my dad was still working as a seaman, my sister and I would host Christmas Party programs, singing numbers, dance numbers, and do silly games for our helpers and their families, our cousins, aunts and uncles, and my grandparents from my mother's side [back when my Tatay- what we call our grandpa, Rest in Peace, didn't have a stroke, was alive, can walk, and talk]. 

We even had a Miss Gay Pageant for mom's favorite gay students who also babysit us back then.

After all the games, we devour our Noche Buena and I still remember the flavorful pork barbecue prepared by Tatay. Followed by our Secret Santa exchange gifts and gift to everyone. 

It has always been the season that I was looking forward to, until we started to grow up and grow old. 

And now, I lost the desire to go back to Iloilo to spend the holidays. 

This year, I'm learning to find joy in quiet traditions and carve out a Christmas that's truly mine: filled with simplicity, reflection, and peace.

I could continue writing all my Simbang Gabil homily reflections since I have started now. I can also have a Christmas breakfast in a cafe moment after an early morning Christmas Day mass. And of course, my Christmas comfort zone of hearing the Latin songs in the Simbang Gabi is and will always be a sure part of it.

Or whatever that may be, it will be my way to embrace and celebrate the Christmas spirit.

At the end of the day, whether we follow cherished traditions or create a new one, the essence of Christmas should bring peace, love, and joy.

How about you? How will you celebrate this season? 

Wishing you all a festive and peaceful holidays!

Photo from: https://images.app.goo.gl/QcDbHLeJmzsFQrcw6

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*Simbang Gabi- Tagalog phrase that translates to "Night Mass" in English. It's a nine-day series of Catholic masses held in the Philippines in preparation for Christmas. The masses are a way for communities to gather, reflect, and prepare spiritually for the birth of Christ. (Gemini AI, Google)

*Matapobre- means to look down on others. It can also refer to someone who is spiteful, unkind, and lacks respect for others. (Gemini AI, Google)

*Noche Buena- Spanish phrase that translates to "the good night" and is celebrated on Christmas Eve by many Latinx, Hispanic, and Filipino communities. It's a time to gather with family and friends to eat, drink, exchange gifts, and celebrate the birth of Jesus. (Gemini AI, Google)