It was a love story if I could have said "Yes"

First day back to sophomore high school after a long break, I saw my high school friends and excited to talk about how my long break went. As I entered to my old grade 8 classroom, my head turned to the front on to the blackboard and I saw my ultimate high school crush (who during my college days tried to court me) with his chair on the platform facing us. I cannot believe what I saw. Were my eyes just seeing things? I hurriedly walked my way to the front but my pace and everything around me turned slow. What was going on? I just want to see him upfront. And then everything around me went in five times the speed and in a snap of a finger, he was gone. 

And so I told my grade 8 bestie what just happened. He was there! Right there! - as I point out to the empty chair. But she just nodded in pity and said "Wala na siya bala, Kai. Kinanlan mo na mag move on, find someone for you to pour those feelings" [He's already gone, Kai. You have to move on, find someone for you to pour those feelings]. 

But I knew he's already gone. I knew that he passed away a long time ago (a decade already) but I was just astonished and for a fraction of a second forgot the sad truth. 

And with reality,  I woke up from my deep sleep. Dazed and confused with my dream, I thought to myself what message does the universe want to relay to me through this dream. 

For many years since the passing of this person, he often appeared in my dreams with very similar scenarios- it was always back in high school with my romantic feelings, his romantic gestures, and after a while, I would either ask myself or him if all of this was true or dream since he was already gone. And reality brings me back again. 

During the first few years, I usually dream of him whenever his death anniversary is near or had passed already or during his birth month. And so, I often pray for his rest. As years went by, I'm starting to think that my guilt may be an attribute as to why my subconscious self, still holds him dear. 

As I have mentioned from the start, he was indeed my ultimate crush since 7th grade; this cutie pie who played guitar so well, sang melodically, and drew so fine. With his hair that softly glided through his fingers as he was brushing it casually, who would not fall head-over-heels? 

However, it was a one-sided feeling since I wasn't his type. Not only that, he started to mock my nose (which was already my biggest insecurity ever) and his bully friend and everyone else started to notice it too. 

I had mixed feelings over him throughout high school. I hated him so much but I knew that I also wanted him to like me back so bad. We weren't talking then after that incident and that continued until 3rd quarter of our Junior Year (9th Grade). The reason was he liked my flawlessly beautiful best friend and he wanted to get to know her better through me. Oh yes! I'm the bridge, I'm that bridge. Honestly, he was a nice person and so was my bestfriend- who was I to not bring together 2 wonderful people in the name of romance? 

And so, they became a couple and that started our friendship too. Nevertheless, I was grateful that before our high school ended, we at least became close. He was my unrequited love (or liking). 

Things changed when we were in college. We both went to different universities in pursuance to our aspirations in life. Back then I swore to myself to make less to no contact with people from high school as I was starting anew in my dream university- so, we never got in touch again after that.

Until, I went to my high school friend's 18th birthday one summer. We saw each other again. I was this whole new person that time (since I also became a beauty queen. LOL on that). And he grew, well, handsomely well, too. We started to exchange numbers that time but I was seeing someone else (my upper-class back when we were in high school). The timing was not right but we would still exchange messages from time to time.

Fast forward to February of 2013, he asked me out on a date for Valentine's Day. I was over the moon for it but my pride and my high school self reminded me of what he did to me. Was it because I was really pretty that he decided to ask me out? What if he just made some bet for it and then made me a laughing stock? All of these anxious thoughts crept up on me and with my mighty pride, I thought that if he really wanted me, he would have and should find ways to express his interest. And so, I decided to say NO. 

Despite me saying no to what could have been a good date, my heart was yearning that there would be more dates to come. Until a more than a month later, I received a news that he passed away due to Pneumonia that had gone complicated while on school tour abroad. 

I cannot believe the news I got. I couldn't accept it. But after a while, it hit me hard. I cried my heart out while I was also in the middle of guarding my grandfather's wake. 

Why did it have to be him? He was still young. We were about to hang out after summer and I was looking forward to it. Instead, it was an anticipation turned to devastation. It was a hard pill to swallow not just for me but us his classmates, friends, and most of all, his family. 

Years had passed but he always held a special place in my heart. He was my greatest what if, the one that literally got away- a regret until now, in my deepest consciousness, I cannot simply forget.

Maybe that could have been the reason all along why he kept on appearing in my dreams at times.

Maybe that I cannot forgive myself on that big "What if?".

Maybe the universe is now telling me to fully let go of that regret so I can truly start over.

Maybe in another lifetime, we can continue our fleeing fluttering love story not just in a form of dream.

Maybe now, it's time to bid adieu to you, Kim P. + [Rest in Peace, Amen].

Photo by skinny alien: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-person-holding-two-white-roses-2166160/

Note: I graduated high-school before the implementation of K-12 program in the Philippines. Meaning, we only had 10 years of basic education before proceeding to college/university.