Begin Again: Growing through 2023
It's already mid-December, few days before Christmas and 2 weeks left before we welcome another year. In my socials, I've seen a lot of posts on things that they are thankful for this year or how this year has been amazing for them.
Truth be told when reading those, I felt quite the opposite. 2023 was not an entirely amazing year for me; this has been a year of heartaches and quite a roller coaster for me emotionally.
I lost some loved ones this year- physically they left this world and some that I lost in an emotional aspect.
Just this year, two of our cats passed away. Our very first cat, Nikko, who introduced the entire family to love and appreciate cats (as we weren't cat persons before) and made us realize that cats are as lovable as dogs are. And that to earn a cat's trust and love is a sweet success unmeasured. He was at around seven or eight years old when he finally went back to paradise.
[A discretion for those eating while reading this blog] It was found out that his entire system has been infected with all kinds of worms and that eventually his organs failed. I tried my best to treat him to the vet prior to that as I cannot bear seeing him suffering. I threw my entire bonus just for him to get treated. He did regain strength but only for a short while.
It was a reality that I didn't want to face- a reality that he would be gone soon. When he left us, my emotional state was in turmoil.
A few months (around two to be exact), our other cat, Xiao, who was only a year and 2 months old, was diagnosed with having gallstones. He was needed to be rushed to the vet. However, I was financially recovering from the losses I had with Nikko. Plus, I had to go back and forth Manila that time for work.
He got operations, one of the most risky operation the vet ever had, but we took the shot of 50% recovery. What we thought was him recovering turned out to be his last moments. So we had no choice but to bring him home instead of him dying on the pet hospital.
He was the sweetest cat I ever had- technically, he was my brother's but we had a greater bond as we were together everyday given with my work setup. Xiao was the one who I got really close to. My furbaby who wanted to be petted instead of my focusing my attention to work. The snuggly cat who wanted belly rubs while laying on his favorite place, my lap, was gone.
It felt like the world was against me. I was devastated. I couldn't think through things well. It was affecting my work. I didn't know who to run to for emotional support as I was my (not so) little brother's emotional support, too. And so I had to be strong but I really know deep down, my world was collapsing.
What had happened left me in desolate and bereft- How can I be genuinely happy with this? How can I recover from this? Those were the questions I had in my mind for quite some time.
Yet, another loved one passed away- this time it was one of the people I consider my best friend, my make-up artist who gave me confidence whenever I felt questioning myself, my supportive Misa Aguinaldo choirmate who shipped me with all of my crushes, the most supportive person especially on my love life and career life, one of my favorite person, Porsha, passed away. Gone too soon.
His diabetes worsened and it affected his kidneys. He had series of dialysis and an operation but since he and his family were not financially capable, he didn't get to have the best of the treatments needed.
I had to be one of his mother's emotional support too. I had to be strong so she can lean on me emotionally. As for me, I had no one to run to for emotional support. No one I fully trust emotionally to pour all things out.
I also have to balance things out because I have work and have to perform well.
But from time to time, I was having relapse in terms of being able to deliver well at work because my emotional state wasn't addressed enough. I was bottling all the emotional pain, grief, anxiety, and depression up.
In addition to these, I was not in a great situation at home (you may want to read my other blog about it). Also, I was surrounded with all the toxicity from both family and friends' circle that I have to emotionally distance myself from these people. I have to lose them in an emotional manner or cut them off my life, with all my courage.
I questioned the Lord, the universe as to why this was happening to me? I never felt so desolated and bereft my whole life in my years of existence. In short, 2023 made me crumble to the core.
However with all these, 2023 had given me more wisdom in life. I was able to accept the realities of life that all things in this realm come and go whether we like it or not. There are things that you have to accept and let go; that way you will be able too grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And just like letting go, there are things that you also welcome.
Recently, we welcomed this snuggly and hyper kitten, Welcie, who is being a ray of light in our house. I welcomed another chapter of my life which is moving back to the concrete jungle, Manila. I welcomed experiences and rekindling with friends from my previous company.
I welcomed an emotionally, mentally, and spiritually stronger version of myself and will be welcoming 2024 with it.
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