Welcome to New York! It's been waiting for you.

One of my favorite tracks in 1989 Taylor's Version is the first song on the list, Welcome to New York. The song is about her moving to this big city and starting fresh and anew. From the lyrics to the musical arrangement and to her singing style, the song transports you to your first day in the concrete jungle coming from your humble hometown with this invigorating freedom you never thought of having as you now start to live independently. 

It was the same feeling when I recently took my one way flight from my hometown to Manila (going to Makati) after more than a year of  being in a WFH (Work from Home) setup. I may say it was odd given that I had been living and working in Metro Manila from 2014 to last year (2022). However, my life's experiences and recent realizations had made me appreciate coming back to this chaotic land of skyscrapers on my own. 

My first years at the start of my corporate career journey was not a walk in the park. My salary was relatively low compared to how much living alone in a peaceful environment near the Central Business District (CBD) cost. I was not living a good quality life- my entire month's salary was only good for paying my rent and bills alone. I even had to ask for money from my parents from time to time. Back at college, I had always envisioned myself after graduating to live a life of Jenna Rink, big-time magazine editor at Sparkle Magazine strutting my way to work in the most chic boss getup with a cup of Starbucks on my hand (13 going on 30 reference).

 

Sadly and frustratingly, it was not how it turned out to be. It was far from that. Rather, it was an image of a young woman in her early 20s walking her way to the office at nighttime along the dark pavements of Makati as she had no money left for Grab/Uber. No one prepared me for the harsh realities of life that I had to face. At that time I had been questioning my life's choices and I felt like I was functioning on autopilot.

With that I finally gathered myself and decided to leave my work and go back home. I had planned to establish a career at home so I can be closer with the people I treasure and love (including my previous boyfriend at that time), get to eat good food, and easily go out with my friends whenever we feel like it. Overall, I had hoped to live a better quality of life, the provincial life.

However, my hometown was not ready for a position like that of mine. Most were unaware of what my role was. I had to explain it to every company I applied for in a detailed-manner. If not overqualified, I was offered with almost seventy percent less of what my expected salary was. I felt downhearted and disappointed that there were no better working opportunities for me. And so, I had to make another hard decision to look for roles based in Metro Manila.

By the will of the universe, I got a job offer and started working back in January of 2020. I left my hometown then, in a bittersweet way. Bittersweet in a sense that my initial plan did not go as smoothly as I had thought but then, I had a great role waiting for me.

But Oh 2020!-- We know.... we all know what happened last 2020. It was the worst year on Earth. For a Millennial like myself who thought life was getting back on track that year, I was not ready to live in what was our generation's "Great Depression". I was stuck in Manila.

Global Pandemic, lockdowns, local conglomerates being new in remote work setup that made me feel like I had to be there online 24/7, the government politicizing the global pandemic and lack of allocating priorities over public health, rising number of cases and casualties due to COVID, my anxiety over my own health and my family's, I was physically and emotionally drained but I had to keep it together as it's business as usual.

Those were dark times, indeed, very dark.

But with it though came the introduction and the normalization of remote work. The feeling of being able to accomplish things at the comfort of home, not worrying about what to wear, what to eat, when to sleep and wake up made me realize that all this time, work was doable at home.

And with that, I longed to be able to work back at home so I can be with my family and my furbabies. I thought if I could spend my salary by sharing with my family's household needs, I would save a lot more.

2 years later and after working with 2 companies, my current company allowed me to work in my hometown.

Nothing felt more rewarding than to be back home. I was contributing with the groceries, paying the internet, for my furbabies' food, bought something nice for my brothers, and all.

On the other hand, I was not used to living with many people in a house. After a while, I remembered how crazily toxic it was to be at home. I craved my privacy. I longed for a good sleep where I wouldn't be bothered if I got up and went to the restroom at 8AM and back to sleep (on mid shift schedule that's why). 

My parents thought that since my current setup is WFH, I can also be their housekeeper. I was expected to wash the piles of dishes they had eaten as soon as I wake up, cook and prepare for dinner. Whenever I don't do those chores since it was still on my work hours and I have to focus on work, I was being alluded loudly, just by my window. It was annoying and disheartening at the same time.

"Gapungko ka malang bilog nga adlaw diri sa balay, wala ka gid diri gapang himos. Wala ka gid pulos!"  [You have only been sitting here the entire day, yet, no chores were done. You're so useless!]- Would you be able to focus on work if you heard those words from your parents' mouth during your work hours? How can you concentrate on the reports you're due that working day if you kept on hearing insults? 

I couldn't forget that one dinner where I was labelled by my own parents as a burden and unsuccessful while eating the ingredients I bought for our Shrimp Sinigang* dinner.  It was hard to hear harsh words from your loved ones and had to go back to work. From then on, I started eating dinner inside my room or I had to rush my food and run back to my room just so I would not hear anything from them ever again.

 

All the insults, the backbites, the disrespect thrown at me for more than a year, I had to endure it. I cried almost every night in my sleep. 

My depression and anxiety was at an all-time high. My body became stiff and in defense mode whenever I heard their voices in the morning and when they arrived back at our house after their work. All the anxiety and stress even manifested in my body too. I gained a ton of weight, I had another severe acne breakout, and my periods were weeks late. I was thinking about how I could drown myself or which medicines I should take in many doses so I wouldn't have to deal with this hell anymore. What I thought was a good thing all those times turned out to be worse than 2020.

I didn't have that many friends to run to either. Most of them have their own lives and most likely had too many problems on their own that I hated to add to their worries. 

All alone, I had nowhere to go. 

And VOILA! An opportunity to go back to Manila came as I was advised by my manager to have my base location in Metro Manila since there will be a series of work-related activities on-site. It felt like I was given another chance to start fresh and anew; this is it, this is my chance! 

As I pack my bags, I had that shudder of excitement. Unlike before, I felt more confident in moving back to the city since my pay can make me live pretty decently. I was anticipating having that sense of peace and freedom again. I had been really excited to meet new people and be with my friends that I can truly say helped me and will help me grow and vice versa. 

With all the experiences that I had to go through and made me feel, I was, am still, and will always be thankful for it because right now I have further discovered, known, and fully understood who I really am, what I my heart wants, what my boundaries are, what I need, and where to further take my own path. But of course, there will be more exciting things and lessons to be learned coming my way as I search for something more in my own New York. It's a never ending learning, life. But as of now, I want to enjoy this invigorating feeling of liberation like a new soundtrack, I can dance to this beat.

Welcome to my New York, it's been waiting for me!

How about you? What's your New York?

*Sinigang- a Filipino dish tamarind-based soup that is known for its sour and savory taste. You can make it with either fish, shrimp, or pork belly.